When Teen Who was 4 years old, I inadvertently created a Hummus Hater. Hater of all Hummus.

He said I physically assaulted Him with it and to this day Has full body shivers when looking at the Hated Hummus. He won’t even touch anything that is near the Hummus container in the refrigerator.

The infamous Hummus Attack was over 13 years ago, and He still Hates Hummus with all His Heart.

My version (the true one):

Teen Who was a picky eater who only wanted to eat mac-n-cheese, hot dogs (CUT UP ONLY) with a side of ketchup, and Tubby Toast. (If you’re familiar with Teletubbies, they Had some sort of round bread type food or something, and I made cinnamon sugar toast and used a cutter to make it a circle, I was awesome). That’s all He would eat.

During this time, I discovered Hummus. I tried to get Him to try some one day, but He refused. He was opening the refrigerator and I was Holding a cracker with Hummus on it which just Happened to be at His mouth level. I was standing too close behind Him, so when He turned around to say something, the Hummus Cracker of Doom touched His lips and Hummus got on His tongue.

Here He did an Oscar worthy performance of someone dying from a Hideous disease, with lots of coughing, crying, gagging, cry-gagging, snot, shrieky accusations of How I did this on purpose, and He might have peed a little.

I felt terrible and never bugged Him with Hummus again.

His version (from a 4 year old’s perspective, remember):

I told Him He needed to try some Hummus, and reached into a 5 gallon vat of it (bare Handed) and smeared a fistful of it onto a cracker. I slowly approached Him as He backed away in fear. He took off through the living room, and I proceeded to chase Him around the House screaming: “EAT THE HUMMUS, NOW! EAT IT! EAT IT!” He begged me not to make Him eat it, but I stalked Him like a kitten with the plastic thingy from a milk jug. Then, I laughed, said it was ok, and went to another room.

Feeling safe, He went to the refrigerator to get a juice box, and when He turned around, I LEAPED/BANSHEE SCREAMED from behind the refrigerator door, SHOVED the Hummus-laden cracker into His mouth, clamped my hand over His lips, and sumo-wrestled Him onto the ground until He swallowed the Hummus Cracker of Pain and Death.

Then I laughed an evil/maniacal laugh, His vision blurred, and then everything went dark.

End Scene.

Some people say there’s 3 sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. In this case, it’s His, mine, and mine. I remember exactly How it Happened, and I did feel bad, he was SO upset.

That’s really beside the point, though. If I were really going to be evil and force feed Him the Horrific Hummus on a cracker, it would Have been in a much more creative, and well thought out way.

And there would be Polaroids to prove it.