First, I would like to thank my childhood dentist for all the destruction he caused in my mouth. Apparently back in the 70’s, fillings were supposed to be 3 times bigger than the hole being filled.  I’m paying for that now as expansion and old age are setting in.

I don’t get it. I brushed daily when I was younger, flossed a few times a week, but STILL would get cavities. My younger brother Who, and I’m totally calling him out right now, in his youth would go DAYS without brushing his teeth, even after eating Cheetos. CHEETOS! Guess who had no cavities? I should have punched him more growing up, just for that fact.

My poor soft teeth. So many fillings.  My senior year in high school was when all the misery began. I had no idea the candy bar I threw in the freezer the day before, that I was hungrily anticipating, would become  The Frozen Twix Bar of Doom.  I bit into it, and part of my tooth came out.

OMIGOD, the PAIN! I had to get a root canal a week later, then a crown. That root canal back in 1989 took 4 sessions! Since that year I have had about 5 root canals, and most of my back teeth that are full of humongous fillings are starting to crack. Another dentist, who has since been disbarred or dedentistized, took 6 MONTHS to give me a root canal.  They told me that up front that it would take many sessions because it would be pain-free that way. LIES!!!! ALL LIES!!!

I’m such a good girl. I brush 3 times a day and floss at least once a day, but to no avail. Maybe I should have gone the way of Brother Who and built up a protective barrier of Cheetos and chip dip around my teeth over the years. (For the record, he has since gotten hot and Tom Cruise-y looking; another reason I should have punched him more.)

Last Christmas I broke a tooth on my grandmother-in-law’s famous Christmas popcorn balls. Root canal! This past October, it was a wasabi pea. Just one deliciously crunchy, hot wasabi pea. Root canal!

Mr. Who is probably going to get me liquored up one night and just start pulling all my teeth out with a wrench. It would be cheaper than the work that is likely to come.

I should be aware if Mr. Who starts plying me with drinks. I might wake up one morning wearing these: