My oldest is in the marching band, and I had the pleasure of seeing him march on Memorial Day in the million degree Ohio heat.  Poor little redheaded sweaty thing. I was sitting at the last leg of the parade where I got to see everyone at their most exhausted, sweaty, “Dear Lord, take me now!” moment.  I don’t particularly care for parades. I just want to see my child and leave.  I know, I’m awful.  Knowing I would have some time to kill, I brought a journal and wrote down some things I saw while sitting there.  My husband turned me on to the fun that is people watching, and boy, can it be fun.

1.  The Knights of Columbus Squires wear capes, tuxedo looking outfits, a feathered cap, what looks like a rapier/sword/walking stick, and a sash.  Why?

2.  Helloooo, it’s called a bra, lady…they have those at LOTS of stores. But thank you.

3. A 50-60 year old representative for the city (who looks alarmingly like a cross between Hilary Clinton and Felicity Huffman) is wearing a skin-tight, hot pink, sleeveless, knee-length dress, no hose, and I’m not kidding, at least 4-6 inch heels.  She is walking behind her car.  WALKING.  This is a 3.7 mile parade, it’s 9:30 am and already 85 degrees, and she is walking. In HEELS. And she’s not sweating.  She must be a robot.  She has to be, no one has Stepford hair like that and isn’t one.

4.  Bagpipes are annoying as hell, but I like them, and would love to have my own.

5. Why do all rollerblading chicks look like they could totally beat me up?

6.  Holy crap, there’s a Klingon!

7.  Walmart would totally kick out the WHOLE group of women standing in front of me…just saying…

8.  Why in the world would anyone think it was a good idea to make huge, ginormous, hairy dogs walk in a parade?  One sheepdog just collapsed in front of a bowl of water and won’t let the other dogs have any.  There might be a dogfight.  I have a $10 in my wallet and I’m betting on the one that’s laying down, he has nothing to lose.  The parade has halted a tiny bit while the owner is trying to get the dog up.  Someone needs to get a spatula to scrape the poor thing’s tongue off the pavement.

Don’t vote for Judge Gallagher, he obviously hates dogs, in fact he’s trying to murder three of them right out in the open.  Hmmm, maybe that’s his strategy.  “Don’t mess with me, criminals! I kill dogs in the streets, what do you think I’d do to YOU?”

9. Sweet! A 90-year-old woman on a Harley.

10. The public library has a grim reaper, a skeleton, a princess, the weird bird creature from “The Village” walking in front of six workers doing a synchronized spinning of bookshelves on wheels.  I don’t get it.

11. Why is Oktoberfest in September?

12. Whoa, a dude with absolutely no neck just walked in front of me…I think his neck was separated into two parts and put into his upper arms.

13. A karate squad (yeah, I know that’s not the right term) are doing their routine and they are doing it really bad.  The kids are probably 9-12 years old and they are just done. You can FEEL the hate for the dungeon master, err, sensei, and  I could totally deflect those lazy kicks.  If I had a few drinks in me, I’d think about doing the Karate Kid flamingo right out there in the road right now…

13.  Oh, there’s my son, all changed out of his uniform and trying to cross the street.  He looks frustrated and in desperate need of a cheeseburger.  Oh! He made it across.

And Holy Moly, he knows the Klingon…